Talking About The AffairOne of the hardest parts of getting over from an affair is actually talking about the affair itself. It’s true to say conversations of this type are bound to be extremely emotionally loaded. Having some guidelines for dealing with these discussions is helpful, and that’s what this article will focus on.

The first thing we need to discuss here is whether or not it’s necessary to talk about the affair at all. A lot of people think that they have to talk about the affair before they can really heal. But I don’t believe that that is always the case.

Some find talking about the affair important and others feel it as being counter productive. It all depends on what information the injured person feels he or she needs in order to heal. If they feel that talking about the affair will help them move on, then you should talk about it. If they don’t, then talking about the affair may not be necessary.

You should follow your own instincts and determine for yourself what you need to rebuild your marriage and move on with your life. Don’t listen to what other people say you “should do” what you do is entirely up to your needs, some like the details whilst some just want a short brief or no details at all.

One thing is certain, before you ask a detailed question, you should consider the possible answers (particularly the worst possible scenarios), the possible implications, and then decide if you want to know the answer. 

In my opinion, it’s the injured party’s choice whether or not to discuss the affair, not the cheater’s. If you have cheated on your partner and you are serious about rebuilding your marriage, you will give your spouse what he or she needs to heal.

In the event that the injured person does want to discuss the affair, there are a few guidelines that may help make this process a little less rocky  . It won’t be easy however you deal with it. But the following some guidelines should help talking about the affair from getting out of hand.

Guideline #1: The Injured Controls the Flow of Information.

When you both discuss the affair, the injured person should be in control of the flow of information. That means the injured person starts the conversation, when and if he or she want to. The person cheated on should also think about what level of detail, if any, is important.

I suggest you avoid comparative questions. These are questions where you compare your physical attributes to those of the other woman/man. (“Did they have a bigger or better ______ than me?”)

Focus on what you can do to improve your relationship. Having discussions about these issues (which is very important) will probably be pretty hard without one or both of you feeling criticized. However, if you are going to improve what you had, you have to ‘take it on the chin’ and work on making your relationship stronger and more exciting.

The idea here is to get the information you need to move forward, while avoiding unnecessary pain. You’ve already been through enough. Make sure you stop at any point you feel overwhelmed. Remember, you can always pick up the conversation later if needed.

Most importantly, keep the conversation focused on you. This is your chance to get some clarity in in order to mend. Keep the focus on that so you can repair your relationship.

Guideline #2: The Cheater HAS To Be Honest.

The cheater’s role is to freely answer whatever questions are asked, and to do so with sensitivity. The cheater should demonstrate that the bond is now with his or her spouse, and no longer with the other person.

It is absolutely critical that the cheater is completely honest with the information they give their partner at this stage. If they are not, all it will do is contribute to the overall feeling of distrust in the marriage. Your partner is taking a big risk and dealing with a lot of pain in asking these questions. Respect that by being 100 % honest with your answers.

If there is an answer that you really don’t want to give, because it will be just too hurtful, it is better for your relationship to decline to answer rather than give a less than truthful response.

In the event that your partner does ask a comparative question or requests an answer to a question that you feel might be hurtful, you might preface your answer by saying:

“I’ll answer that if you really want me to. As I want to be 100 % honest with you so we can rebuild our marriage. But you might want to reconsider that particular question. I think you might get some information that will be unnecessarily hurtful, and I don’t want
to hurt you any more.”

Then at least if your spouse still wants to know, tell him or her the truth. Doing this allows the cheater to be totally honest while still offering a safeguard. Even in telling the absolute truth, there are different ways to share information-some more hurtful than others.

Guideline #3: Don’t Rush It.

It’s unlikely you will be able to address every issue surrounding the affair in a single session. Don’t try to. Take your time to get the information you need.

Most couples repeat questions, repeat telling parts of the story, particularly during the first 2 or 3 weeks and even the first few months after finding out about the affair. It’s best you take things slowly. Don’t rush through this process. If you do, you’ll only get emotionally overloaded,angry and frustrated. It takes time to heal your wounds of an affair. Talking about the affair itself is a major part of the process. Take as much time as needed to work through these issues.

Talking about the affair is usually an agonizing emotional experience. But if you feel it’s necessary, you may find the results are worth your efforts. People who make it through conversations about the affair, often have the strength and courage needed to overcome the other problems in their marriage and heal their relationship.

I hope the guidelines will help you achieve that goal, so you can overcome the pain you face right now and make your relationship better than ever.

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